it's me snitches (swizz beats)

first impressions:

Chase:  Pretty stereo typical cheerleader who is popular and is really nice but a little shallow.

Ellie: I thought you were a popular girl that I would never and could never be friends with.

Liz: Kinda bratty, pretty, a little stuck up, full of yourself, Elly pettro's minion

Wisc: Wow she looks like she's a lot of fun, I want to start hanging out with her.

Morgan: I thought you were super beautiful and outgoing.

Tal: First impression was that you were fun to talk to and tease. But I also thought you were pretty negative.

Ashleigh: My first impression of her was that she was very confident and she would be a good next door neighbor.

Missy: That you were a sweet girl but I thought you were to good for me.

Michael: Haha I think we met in like 7th grade and I thought you were kinda loud but always smiling.

Emily: The pretty new girl that all the guys love. Not really sure about how I felt about you, I was a little intimidated.

Matt: First impression- scared, not like in a bad way but nervous to talk to her kind of scared. 

obviously i'm not the best at first impressions... and who knows, maybe time has changed me, maybe high school has changed me, but i want everyone to know the real me.  my pen name is just a first impression, a glimpse of who i am- ya, i'm sad, i overthink things, i've had my heart broken (i think twice now),  and i'm just a senior at lone peak. there's about 800 more of me.... but there's only one named rachel ogden.

now:

Chase: Crazy, super fun girl who is so nice to everyone, and is very pretty. She definitely doesn't care what people think of her and knows how to have a good time!

Ellie: Now I think you are such an amazing, genuine, and truthful friend that I love a lot and couldn't imagine life without. 

Liz: The most amazing friend anyone could ever ask for, someone who really gets me and I could tell my deepest/darkest secret to, funnest and funniest person to be around, life of the party, a leader who doesn't follow the crowds, and absolutely gorgeous inside and out.

Wisc: She's one of my best friends and is always a guaranteed good time.

Morgan: Now I think that you are one of the most beautiful, (inside and out) kind, and caring, and true friend I've ever had. You are one of greatest people I've ever met, and I know you are truly going places Rachel Ogden.

Tal: Now you're someone that I call if I want to have a blast because you are the life of the party! you're a doer not a talker, you are cute nice and full of energy!

Ashleigh:  and now I think she is an amazing accomplished and crazy girl! who I would trust with anything.

Missy: but now I know that your the sweetest girl and you have the biggest heart and a amazing friend.

Michael: Now when I think of you, it's more like Rachel is just super chill and someone I can just talk to and is fun to be around.

Emily: Someone who is always there for you that can give you real true advice. You're real!! Which is hard to find people like that these days. Still beautiful inside and out.

Matt: Now what I think of you- even more scared, terrified! Because the thought of not being able to see Rachel Ogden every day at school, being able to able to hang out with her, and having her make me smile day in and day out is the kind of future I'm scared of! Yes Rachel means this much to me...and just take my word for it...if you want to meet somebody that is going to change your life and make you a better person just say hi to her and you will see what I am talking about. 

okay first of all, i think i have the coolest friends in the world.  how i ended up with them? i have no clue.  i think my blog makes me seem like i am just straight up depressed and afraid of everything and my love life sucks.  well, my love life does suck... but i'm pretty sure every single senior girl can agree with me at some point.  anyway, lets be friends, lets laugh, lets have fun. give me a chance to change your point of view.

so ya, IT'S ME SNITCHES (please listen this song, it will rock your socks)

falls

what if our lips just... touched
and your bruises weren't there 
and the fear disappeared 
and love was more comfortable than nails on a chalkboard

because it isn't love unless it hurts 
at least that's what he told me
and please don't let my heart be alone when it was
always meant to bleed on yours

i've begun to believe 
that love is glassy eyes 
and pennies in pockets
that fear is painful truths
and long walks in utter silence

and my parents love me
and he fears me but i'm okay with just being okay
and i'm no longer afraid of the waterfall that drowned me 
and a heart that pounds harder

but i'm still wishing i was inside the earth 
because that pressure is nothing compared
to the pressure behind my eyes
and the eyes that stare right through my soul

i forgot what i was afraid of
and how to love through it all

learned things i have

Preschool:  Utah Utes suck.  Pool parties and play dough are everything, and my brother might not be as bad as I thought he was.

Kindergarten:  Cute outfits and new shoes are very important.  The class clown, Sean, he's the cutest kid in school.

First Grade:  My yellow card being pulled was the worst thing that could ever happen to me and that the kid sitting next to me, it was all his fault.

Second Grade:  Don't go head to head with Mrs. Edwards, she will shove over your desk.  I learned that boys love kissing tag and I was traumatized by the neighborhood boy calling me "toots". COOTIES ARE REAL.

Third Grade:  You aren't cool if you don't wear heeleys.

Fourth Grade:  Current events were the death of me and I earned my first... and last... C-, it was my education downfall.  Also, clubs are really cool.

Fifth Grade:  I learned that using spark notes saves you hours and that I was officially part of the Geek Squad class of nerds.  I hated reading that year.

Sixth Grade:  I am competitive.  Winning is everything.  Boys are everything.  If your crush doesn't like you back its the end of your existence.  Shaving is scary and Aeropostale is COOL.

Seventh Grade:  Aeropostale is NOT COOL.  I needed to ditch pony tails and slick back headbands and I needed name brand clothes.  Mom and Dad couldn't afford UGGS, True Religion Jeans, and we fought a lot.  We were poor and I hated them for that.

Eighth Grade:  New School, New me.  I got my braces off and discovered that I was actually pretty and boys liked me.  I got asked out on Valentines Day, and of course I said yes.  We talked ALL the time... over text.  Hugs were magical and one time we watched a scary movie together.  I broke up with him over text when I was sitting right in front of him.  Whoops.  I was still a nerd and didn't want to be.

Ninth Grade:  POPULARITY IS EVERYTHING.  If you aren't friends with cool people, what are you?  I got my first kiss and fell in love.  I I I ME ME ME MY MY MY MY parents and I stopped talking and started yelling.  May came and I realized that "best friends" stab you in the back.  That underneath everything, every single girl is a bitch and it's just a ticking time bomb for them to let lose and destroy everything you ever cared about.  I learned what it feels like to have no friends and your name in others mouths tied with the words SLUT, WHORE, and HOE.  I became oh too familiar with my bedroom and blurry vision.  

Tenth Grade:  I learned that you don't want to peak in Junior High.  I learned what real friends are and how they are supposed to treat you.  I realized who I didn't want to become and strived toward what I did.  I learned that being kind is the most important quality you can have.  I had to rebuild some broken bridges, and learned that some are already ash and burned a long time ago.  That hurt.

Eleventh Grade:  Heart break is real.  It hurts your chest in every single dimension and shape.  I learned that it's okay to show you're hurting and to cry.  I learned to push myself and never let anyone tell me how to live my life and that I was "doing it wrong".

Twelfth Grade:  You can't change people.  Life's hard and you are doing alright.  Everyday is battle of survival between your heart, mind, and exhaustion and you can't win every time.  The future is bright and it's okay to not always be okay.  I learned that I don't want to be a robot.  I want to be comfortable in who I am and who I have been.  And let's be honest, I have 2.5 months left and I don't want to waste it on being someone else.

bucket list

Bucket List for these last 3 months-

1.  SURVIVE

2.  Eat lunch in the lunch room

3.  Meet 10 new people

4.  Try 5 new restaurants

5.  Thank all of my past and present teachers

6.  Don't bag on senior year

7.  Kiss in 300 Hall

8.  Go to Moab

9.  Hike the Y

10.  Get knighted

11.  Visit Hunter's grave

12.  Go camping

13.  Roller blade provo canyon

14.  Become a state champ

15.  Go to Prom with my best friend

16.  Go to Mona rope swing

17.  Kayak in Tibble Fork

18.  Trunk someone
19.  Senior Pranks
20.  Graduate

squiggly lines

Crayon definitions from Urban Dictionary:

crayon-
A device made by superior beings.  It is constructed out  of rugged wax and has color added to it in it's liquid form.  Once cooled and a label slapped on it.  The Crayon can be used to create or destroy.

Crayon-
1) getting your cray on (see definition for cray)
2) getting crazy, wild, stupid
3) a wax-made colorful writing utensil that is responsible for most artistic childhood memories... the red one tastes the best

Crayons-
Wonderful devices built for consumption.

Crayon-
A coloring utensil designed by crayola to make adults feel like kids again.

crayon-
a swedish delicacy, a garnish for barbequed children
(WTFF.....????)

I could get all deep and say that crayons represent all different kinds of people, "we are all just crayons trying to get picked out of the box... not all of us are pretty"... bla bla bla.  In reality I'm just trying to make it through high school and keep the crayons from melting into the backseat of my car (thank you little brothers and sisters).

I guess what I'm trying to say is just let the kiddos color, let them have the crayons, let them go out of the lines, let them eat the crayons every once in a while, and let them be happy.

the feels

i hate the feeling of my eyes watering right before i throw up
i hate the feeling of chalk on my hands
i hate the feeling of making a stupid comment of class
i hate the feeling of a fire hot face after that stupid comment
i hate the feeling of heartbreak
i hate the feeling of running my hand across a paper
i hate the feeling of my parents being disappointed in me
i hate the feeling of failure
i hate the feeling of pencil lead on the side of my hand
i hate the feeling of seeing blue and red flashing lights behind me
i hate the feeling of walking in tardy to a class
i hate the feeling of my thighs and stomach and arms and and and
i hate the feeling of fighting with a friend
i hate the feeling of a missed call from dad
i hate the feeling of swearing at my little brother
i hate the feeling of swallowing water down the wrong tube
i hate the feeling of being unprepared for a music lesson
i hate the feeling of bombing a test
i hate the feeling of
i hate the feeling of leaving high school behind
i hate the feeling of not leaving high school behind
i hate the feeling of not being good enough
i hate the feeling of a girl looking me up and down before we can even talk
i hate the feeling of no one laughing at a dumb joke
i hate the feeling of guilt
i hate the feeling of regret
i hate the feeling of pity

i'm upset

sometimes life is wonderful-

blue skies AND sunshine.

and then you realize 

that you are totally 

and completely

alone.

you can have 1,432 followers on instagram,

920 followers on twitter

and be really pretty

(not just the outside kind)

and people will still forget you 

exist.

the person you thought you could count on

in every instant.

every situation.

and every heartbreak.

it's all bull shit.

sorry...

i don't want to offend you

but you've already offended me.

this is how i would imagine a brick would feel
if it collided with my face.




days like these seem to be happening more often...