i remember

i remember the first time i met you, betos, 3 in the morning,
i thought you were a punk
i remember the day we really met in my front yard
i remember the other guy i left because of you
i remember the few days we didn't spend together in those 4 months
i remember you only ever driving with your left hand 
because your right hand was always interlocked with mine
i rememeber the late night talks
i remember the taste of your kiss on my lips
i remember you crying on the phone
i remember the day he died, march 4
i remember that he loved coke more than you loved bikes
i remember your car and the backseat
i remember your love for music and your ghetto christmas playlist
i remember the strawberry days rodeo
i remember the day we went to the grocery store and neither of us said anything
i remember you
but i don't know you anymore

stained

my favorite shirt is stained
and your hands are too
with the blood from my heart
that used to belong to you

mind tricks

don't blame her mind because

she loved with her heart

and forgot her mind was there to help

through it all

don't ignore her heart

its begging to feel

exactly how you 

imagined love would be.

car trouble

It was just a casual day after school.  Nice and sunny, when I come out to the sophomore parking lot to find my car boxed in.  Not kidding there were maybe 2 inches on both sides of my car of room to back out.  So of course I knew it had to be my dumb friends, so I call Grant Bean and he comes out with Nate Oldroyd and they just laugh at me. 

I finally convince him and Nate to move their cars and that we were going to race to Swig.  Behind the school there are HUGE speed bumps that you have to go over super slow or else you will bottom out.  So I’m neck and neck with Grant in our race and the speed bump is swiftly approaching so I slam on my breaks, but Grant, being as crazy as he is, speeds up even more in his BMW, hits the speed bump, and flies all 4 wheels of the car 4 feet in the air.  I don’t know how they survived the landing but there didn’t seem to be any damage so we just went to Swig.

On our way there, Grant was driving in front of me so him and Nate were throwing every single piece of trash possible as well as lighting fireworks and throwing them out their sunroof trying to hit my car.  I was swerving to avoid all this crap being thrown at my car and didn’t really think much of it. 

We finally get to Swig, Grant tells me that his power steering is not working anymore so he’s having a really hard time turning the wheel and I’m just thinking “hmmm I wonder how that could have happened…. weird” And then he spills his entire soda all over the place so we try and clean it up with their mop but it’s just so awkward and such a mess that eventually we just leave and head back home.

Well when I got home I was causally doing my homework when someone knocks on the door.  My mom gets the door and yells at me to come to the door.  I show up and there is a cop standing on my front porch.  He tells me that someone called and reported me for reckless driving and he tracked my car from my license plate to find my house.  So there I am, just standing there with my mom giving me the stink eye, and I don’t want to rat out my friends for being the idiots throwing crap at my car so I just apologized a bunch of times hoping not to get a fine or in trouble.  He ended up being super chill and just giving me a long lecture.

Grant and Nate totally screwed me over and I covered for them, but Grant suffered more than I did.  His oil tank ended up being cracked and he had so much damage to his car that it was in the shop for weeks.  I guess you could say I got the lucky end of the deal.

it's me snitches (swizz beats)

first impressions:

Chase:  Pretty stereo typical cheerleader who is popular and is really nice but a little shallow.

Ellie: I thought you were a popular girl that I would never and could never be friends with.

Liz: Kinda bratty, pretty, a little stuck up, full of yourself, Elly pettro's minion

Wisc: Wow she looks like she's a lot of fun, I want to start hanging out with her.

Morgan: I thought you were super beautiful and outgoing.

Tal: First impression was that you were fun to talk to and tease. But I also thought you were pretty negative.

Ashleigh: My first impression of her was that she was very confident and she would be a good next door neighbor.

Missy: That you were a sweet girl but I thought you were to good for me.

Michael: Haha I think we met in like 7th grade and I thought you were kinda loud but always smiling.

Emily: The pretty new girl that all the guys love. Not really sure about how I felt about you, I was a little intimidated.

Matt: First impression- scared, not like in a bad way but nervous to talk to her kind of scared. 

obviously i'm not the best at first impressions... and who knows, maybe time has changed me, maybe high school has changed me, but i want everyone to know the real me.  my pen name is just a first impression, a glimpse of who i am- ya, i'm sad, i overthink things, i've had my heart broken (i think twice now),  and i'm just a senior at lone peak. there's about 800 more of me.... but there's only one named rachel ogden.

now:

Chase: Crazy, super fun girl who is so nice to everyone, and is very pretty. She definitely doesn't care what people think of her and knows how to have a good time!

Ellie: Now I think you are such an amazing, genuine, and truthful friend that I love a lot and couldn't imagine life without. 

Liz: The most amazing friend anyone could ever ask for, someone who really gets me and I could tell my deepest/darkest secret to, funnest and funniest person to be around, life of the party, a leader who doesn't follow the crowds, and absolutely gorgeous inside and out.

Wisc: She's one of my best friends and is always a guaranteed good time.

Morgan: Now I think that you are one of the most beautiful, (inside and out) kind, and caring, and true friend I've ever had. You are one of greatest people I've ever met, and I know you are truly going places Rachel Ogden.

Tal: Now you're someone that I call if I want to have a blast because you are the life of the party! you're a doer not a talker, you are cute nice and full of energy!

Ashleigh:  and now I think she is an amazing accomplished and crazy girl! who I would trust with anything.

Missy: but now I know that your the sweetest girl and you have the biggest heart and a amazing friend.

Michael: Now when I think of you, it's more like Rachel is just super chill and someone I can just talk to and is fun to be around.

Emily: Someone who is always there for you that can give you real true advice. You're real!! Which is hard to find people like that these days. Still beautiful inside and out.

Matt: Now what I think of you- even more scared, terrified! Because the thought of not being able to see Rachel Ogden every day at school, being able to able to hang out with her, and having her make me smile day in and day out is the kind of future I'm scared of! Yes Rachel means this much to me...and just take my word for it...if you want to meet somebody that is going to change your life and make you a better person just say hi to her and you will see what I am talking about. 

okay first of all, i think i have the coolest friends in the world.  how i ended up with them? i have no clue.  i think my blog makes me seem like i am just straight up depressed and afraid of everything and my love life sucks.  well, my love life does suck... but i'm pretty sure every single senior girl can agree with me at some point.  anyway, lets be friends, lets laugh, lets have fun. give me a chance to change your point of view.

so ya, IT'S ME SNITCHES (please listen this song, it will rock your socks)

falls

what if our lips just... touched
and your bruises weren't there 
and the fear disappeared 
and love was more comfortable than nails on a chalkboard

because it isn't love unless it hurts 
at least that's what he told me
and please don't let my heart be alone when it was
always meant to bleed on yours

i've begun to believe 
that love is glassy eyes 
and pennies in pockets
that fear is painful truths
and long walks in utter silence

and my parents love me
and he fears me but i'm okay with just being okay
and i'm no longer afraid of the waterfall that drowned me 
and a heart that pounds harder

but i'm still wishing i was inside the earth 
because that pressure is nothing compared
to the pressure behind my eyes
and the eyes that stare right through my soul

i forgot what i was afraid of
and how to love through it all

learned things i have

Preschool:  Utah Utes suck.  Pool parties and play dough are everything, and my brother might not be as bad as I thought he was.

Kindergarten:  Cute outfits and new shoes are very important.  The class clown, Sean, he's the cutest kid in school.

First Grade:  My yellow card being pulled was the worst thing that could ever happen to me and that the kid sitting next to me, it was all his fault.

Second Grade:  Don't go head to head with Mrs. Edwards, she will shove over your desk.  I learned that boys love kissing tag and I was traumatized by the neighborhood boy calling me "toots". COOTIES ARE REAL.

Third Grade:  You aren't cool if you don't wear heeleys.

Fourth Grade:  Current events were the death of me and I earned my first... and last... C-, it was my education downfall.  Also, clubs are really cool.

Fifth Grade:  I learned that using spark notes saves you hours and that I was officially part of the Geek Squad class of nerds.  I hated reading that year.

Sixth Grade:  I am competitive.  Winning is everything.  Boys are everything.  If your crush doesn't like you back its the end of your existence.  Shaving is scary and Aeropostale is COOL.

Seventh Grade:  Aeropostale is NOT COOL.  I needed to ditch pony tails and slick back headbands and I needed name brand clothes.  Mom and Dad couldn't afford UGGS, True Religion Jeans, and we fought a lot.  We were poor and I hated them for that.

Eighth Grade:  New School, New me.  I got my braces off and discovered that I was actually pretty and boys liked me.  I got asked out on Valentines Day, and of course I said yes.  We talked ALL the time... over text.  Hugs were magical and one time we watched a scary movie together.  I broke up with him over text when I was sitting right in front of him.  Whoops.  I was still a nerd and didn't want to be.

Ninth Grade:  POPULARITY IS EVERYTHING.  If you aren't friends with cool people, what are you?  I got my first kiss and fell in love.  I I I ME ME ME MY MY MY MY parents and I stopped talking and started yelling.  May came and I realized that "best friends" stab you in the back.  That underneath everything, every single girl is a bitch and it's just a ticking time bomb for them to let lose and destroy everything you ever cared about.  I learned what it feels like to have no friends and your name in others mouths tied with the words SLUT, WHORE, and HOE.  I became oh too familiar with my bedroom and blurry vision.  

Tenth Grade:  I learned that you don't want to peak in Junior High.  I learned what real friends are and how they are supposed to treat you.  I realized who I didn't want to become and strived toward what I did.  I learned that being kind is the most important quality you can have.  I had to rebuild some broken bridges, and learned that some are already ash and burned a long time ago.  That hurt.

Eleventh Grade:  Heart break is real.  It hurts your chest in every single dimension and shape.  I learned that it's okay to show you're hurting and to cry.  I learned to push myself and never let anyone tell me how to live my life and that I was "doing it wrong".

Twelfth Grade:  You can't change people.  Life's hard and you are doing alright.  Everyday is battle of survival between your heart, mind, and exhaustion and you can't win every time.  The future is bright and it's okay to not always be okay.  I learned that I don't want to be a robot.  I want to be comfortable in who I am and who I have been.  And let's be honest, I have 2.5 months left and I don't want to waste it on being someone else.