my best friends

i'm going to miss seth and i jamming out in our cars and screaming singing at the top of our lungs to "we dem boys".  i'm going to miss him getting me through the days that mom and dad are pissy and he's the only person that has my back.  i'm going to miss the 2am muddy buddies and all the t shirts that i have to finally give him back.

i'm gonna miss ellie asking me to curl her hair in the mornings because i'm pretty positive she has a new crush on a boy in her first period but is a little to embarrassed to tell me.  i'm going to miss her smile that can light up the room and her cry that can bring the whole family to tears.  i'm gonna miss her laugh and fighting over who gets to put their dirty laundry in the washing machine first.

i'm going to miss jacob and his constant singing that drives us all crazy.  i'm going to miss his sass and the fact that he can put me in my place, even though he's 7 years younger than me.  i'm going to miss all of our pointless fights and the fact that he worships our bunnies that i think are just super smelly.  i'm going to miss his brace face and his dimples that only show up when he can't stop laughing.

i'm going to miss colin and his stubborn tantrums that happen way more often than not.  i'm going to miss his strong willed spirit and his example to me that you can do anything you set your mind to.  i'm going to miss the fact that he calls my dad's motorcycle black kitty and no one has any idea why.  i'm going to miss his stinky socks and his sabertooth teeth.

i'm going to miss my mini me (lydia) barging into my room at 7am on a saturday morning begging me to play with her or to come down for breakfast.  i'm gonna miss her innocence and excitement for the littlest things such as new shoes or the 10 cents i gave her for going to get me a popsicle.  i'm going to miss her giggles and the snuggles she gives you when she knows you're sad.

i'm gonna miss my family more than anything.  more than high school dances, more than rhonda brom, more than homies, more than lone peak.  i'm not scared of what the future brings, i'm just scared of losing my best friends.

anything else

sup swagga jaggas.  you're all dope.  HAGS.

i remember

i remember the first time i met you, betos, 3 in the morning,
i thought you were a punk
i remember the day we really met in my front yard
i remember the other guy i left because of you
i remember the few days we didn't spend together in those 4 months
i remember you only ever driving with your left hand 
because your right hand was always interlocked with mine
i rememeber the late night talks
i remember the taste of your kiss on my lips
i remember you crying on the phone
i remember the day he died, march 4
i remember that he loved coke more than you loved bikes
i remember your car and the backseat
i remember your love for music and your ghetto christmas playlist
i remember the strawberry days rodeo
i remember the day we went to the grocery store and neither of us said anything
i remember you
but i don't know you anymore

stained

my favorite shirt is stained
and your hands are too
with the blood from my heart
that used to belong to you

mind tricks

don't blame her mind because

she loved with her heart

and forgot her mind was there to help

through it all

don't ignore her heart

its begging to feel

exactly how you 

imagined love would be.

car trouble

It was just a casual day after school.  Nice and sunny, when I come out to the sophomore parking lot to find my car boxed in.  Not kidding there were maybe 2 inches on both sides of my car of room to back out.  So of course I knew it had to be my dumb friends, so I call Grant Bean and he comes out with Nate Oldroyd and they just laugh at me. 

I finally convince him and Nate to move their cars and that we were going to race to Swig.  Behind the school there are HUGE speed bumps that you have to go over super slow or else you will bottom out.  So I’m neck and neck with Grant in our race and the speed bump is swiftly approaching so I slam on my breaks, but Grant, being as crazy as he is, speeds up even more in his BMW, hits the speed bump, and flies all 4 wheels of the car 4 feet in the air.  I don’t know how they survived the landing but there didn’t seem to be any damage so we just went to Swig.

On our way there, Grant was driving in front of me so him and Nate were throwing every single piece of trash possible as well as lighting fireworks and throwing them out their sunroof trying to hit my car.  I was swerving to avoid all this crap being thrown at my car and didn’t really think much of it. 

We finally get to Swig, Grant tells me that his power steering is not working anymore so he’s having a really hard time turning the wheel and I’m just thinking “hmmm I wonder how that could have happened…. weird” And then he spills his entire soda all over the place so we try and clean it up with their mop but it’s just so awkward and such a mess that eventually we just leave and head back home.

Well when I got home I was causally doing my homework when someone knocks on the door.  My mom gets the door and yells at me to come to the door.  I show up and there is a cop standing on my front porch.  He tells me that someone called and reported me for reckless driving and he tracked my car from my license plate to find my house.  So there I am, just standing there with my mom giving me the stink eye, and I don’t want to rat out my friends for being the idiots throwing crap at my car so I just apologized a bunch of times hoping not to get a fine or in trouble.  He ended up being super chill and just giving me a long lecture.

Grant and Nate totally screwed me over and I covered for them, but Grant suffered more than I did.  His oil tank ended up being cracked and he had so much damage to his car that it was in the shop for weeks.  I guess you could say I got the lucky end of the deal.

it's me snitches (swizz beats)

first impressions:

Chase:  Pretty stereo typical cheerleader who is popular and is really nice but a little shallow.

Ellie: I thought you were a popular girl that I would never and could never be friends with.

Liz: Kinda bratty, pretty, a little stuck up, full of yourself, Elly pettro's minion

Wisc: Wow she looks like she's a lot of fun, I want to start hanging out with her.

Morgan: I thought you were super beautiful and outgoing.

Tal: First impression was that you were fun to talk to and tease. But I also thought you were pretty negative.

Ashleigh: My first impression of her was that she was very confident and she would be a good next door neighbor.

Missy: That you were a sweet girl but I thought you were to good for me.

Michael: Haha I think we met in like 7th grade and I thought you were kinda loud but always smiling.

Emily: The pretty new girl that all the guys love. Not really sure about how I felt about you, I was a little intimidated.

Matt: First impression- scared, not like in a bad way but nervous to talk to her kind of scared. 

obviously i'm not the best at first impressions... and who knows, maybe time has changed me, maybe high school has changed me, but i want everyone to know the real me.  my pen name is just a first impression, a glimpse of who i am- ya, i'm sad, i overthink things, i've had my heart broken (i think twice now),  and i'm just a senior at lone peak. there's about 800 more of me.... but there's only one named rachel ogden.

now:

Chase: Crazy, super fun girl who is so nice to everyone, and is very pretty. She definitely doesn't care what people think of her and knows how to have a good time!

Ellie: Now I think you are such an amazing, genuine, and truthful friend that I love a lot and couldn't imagine life without. 

Liz: The most amazing friend anyone could ever ask for, someone who really gets me and I could tell my deepest/darkest secret to, funnest and funniest person to be around, life of the party, a leader who doesn't follow the crowds, and absolutely gorgeous inside and out.

Wisc: She's one of my best friends and is always a guaranteed good time.

Morgan: Now I think that you are one of the most beautiful, (inside and out) kind, and caring, and true friend I've ever had. You are one of greatest people I've ever met, and I know you are truly going places Rachel Ogden.

Tal: Now you're someone that I call if I want to have a blast because you are the life of the party! you're a doer not a talker, you are cute nice and full of energy!

Ashleigh:  and now I think she is an amazing accomplished and crazy girl! who I would trust with anything.

Missy: but now I know that your the sweetest girl and you have the biggest heart and a amazing friend.

Michael: Now when I think of you, it's more like Rachel is just super chill and someone I can just talk to and is fun to be around.

Emily: Someone who is always there for you that can give you real true advice. You're real!! Which is hard to find people like that these days. Still beautiful inside and out.

Matt: Now what I think of you- even more scared, terrified! Because the thought of not being able to see Rachel Ogden every day at school, being able to able to hang out with her, and having her make me smile day in and day out is the kind of future I'm scared of! Yes Rachel means this much to me...and just take my word for it...if you want to meet somebody that is going to change your life and make you a better person just say hi to her and you will see what I am talking about. 

okay first of all, i think i have the coolest friends in the world.  how i ended up with them? i have no clue.  i think my blog makes me seem like i am just straight up depressed and afraid of everything and my love life sucks.  well, my love life does suck... but i'm pretty sure every single senior girl can agree with me at some point.  anyway, lets be friends, lets laugh, lets have fun. give me a chance to change your point of view.

so ya, IT'S ME SNITCHES (please listen this song, it will rock your socks)

falls

what if our lips just... touched
and your bruises weren't there 
and the fear disappeared 
and love was more comfortable than nails on a chalkboard

because it isn't love unless it hurts 
at least that's what he told me
and please don't let my heart be alone when it was
always meant to bleed on yours

i've begun to believe 
that love is glassy eyes 
and pennies in pockets
that fear is painful truths
and long walks in utter silence

and my parents love me
and he fears me but i'm okay with just being okay
and i'm no longer afraid of the waterfall that drowned me 
and a heart that pounds harder

but i'm still wishing i was inside the earth 
because that pressure is nothing compared
to the pressure behind my eyes
and the eyes that stare right through my soul

i forgot what i was afraid of
and how to love through it all

learned things i have

Preschool:  Utah Utes suck.  Pool parties and play dough are everything, and my brother might not be as bad as I thought he was.

Kindergarten:  Cute outfits and new shoes are very important.  The class clown, Sean, he's the cutest kid in school.

First Grade:  My yellow card being pulled was the worst thing that could ever happen to me and that the kid sitting next to me, it was all his fault.

Second Grade:  Don't go head to head with Mrs. Edwards, she will shove over your desk.  I learned that boys love kissing tag and I was traumatized by the neighborhood boy calling me "toots". COOTIES ARE REAL.

Third Grade:  You aren't cool if you don't wear heeleys.

Fourth Grade:  Current events were the death of me and I earned my first... and last... C-, it was my education downfall.  Also, clubs are really cool.

Fifth Grade:  I learned that using spark notes saves you hours and that I was officially part of the Geek Squad class of nerds.  I hated reading that year.

Sixth Grade:  I am competitive.  Winning is everything.  Boys are everything.  If your crush doesn't like you back its the end of your existence.  Shaving is scary and Aeropostale is COOL.

Seventh Grade:  Aeropostale is NOT COOL.  I needed to ditch pony tails and slick back headbands and I needed name brand clothes.  Mom and Dad couldn't afford UGGS, True Religion Jeans, and we fought a lot.  We were poor and I hated them for that.

Eighth Grade:  New School, New me.  I got my braces off and discovered that I was actually pretty and boys liked me.  I got asked out on Valentines Day, and of course I said yes.  We talked ALL the time... over text.  Hugs were magical and one time we watched a scary movie together.  I broke up with him over text when I was sitting right in front of him.  Whoops.  I was still a nerd and didn't want to be.

Ninth Grade:  POPULARITY IS EVERYTHING.  If you aren't friends with cool people, what are you?  I got my first kiss and fell in love.  I I I ME ME ME MY MY MY MY parents and I stopped talking and started yelling.  May came and I realized that "best friends" stab you in the back.  That underneath everything, every single girl is a bitch and it's just a ticking time bomb for them to let lose and destroy everything you ever cared about.  I learned what it feels like to have no friends and your name in others mouths tied with the words SLUT, WHORE, and HOE.  I became oh too familiar with my bedroom and blurry vision.  

Tenth Grade:  I learned that you don't want to peak in Junior High.  I learned what real friends are and how they are supposed to treat you.  I realized who I didn't want to become and strived toward what I did.  I learned that being kind is the most important quality you can have.  I had to rebuild some broken bridges, and learned that some are already ash and burned a long time ago.  That hurt.

Eleventh Grade:  Heart break is real.  It hurts your chest in every single dimension and shape.  I learned that it's okay to show you're hurting and to cry.  I learned to push myself and never let anyone tell me how to live my life and that I was "doing it wrong".

Twelfth Grade:  You can't change people.  Life's hard and you are doing alright.  Everyday is battle of survival between your heart, mind, and exhaustion and you can't win every time.  The future is bright and it's okay to not always be okay.  I learned that I don't want to be a robot.  I want to be comfortable in who I am and who I have been.  And let's be honest, I have 2.5 months left and I don't want to waste it on being someone else.

bucket list

Bucket List for these last 3 months-

1.  SURVIVE

2.  Eat lunch in the lunch room

3.  Meet 10 new people

4.  Try 5 new restaurants

5.  Thank all of my past and present teachers

6.  Don't bag on senior year

7.  Kiss in 300 Hall

8.  Go to Moab

9.  Hike the Y

10.  Get knighted

11.  Visit Hunter's grave

12.  Go camping

13.  Roller blade provo canyon

14.  Become a state champ

15.  Go to Prom with my best friend

16.  Go to Mona rope swing

17.  Kayak in Tibble Fork

18.  Trunk someone
19.  Senior Pranks
20.  Graduate

squiggly lines

Crayon definitions from Urban Dictionary:

crayon-
A device made by superior beings.  It is constructed out  of rugged wax and has color added to it in it's liquid form.  Once cooled and a label slapped on it.  The Crayon can be used to create or destroy.

Crayon-
1) getting your cray on (see definition for cray)
2) getting crazy, wild, stupid
3) a wax-made colorful writing utensil that is responsible for most artistic childhood memories... the red one tastes the best

Crayons-
Wonderful devices built for consumption.

Crayon-
A coloring utensil designed by crayola to make adults feel like kids again.

crayon-
a swedish delicacy, a garnish for barbequed children
(WTFF.....????)

I could get all deep and say that crayons represent all different kinds of people, "we are all just crayons trying to get picked out of the box... not all of us are pretty"... bla bla bla.  In reality I'm just trying to make it through high school and keep the crayons from melting into the backseat of my car (thank you little brothers and sisters).

I guess what I'm trying to say is just let the kiddos color, let them have the crayons, let them go out of the lines, let them eat the crayons every once in a while, and let them be happy.

the feels

i hate the feeling of my eyes watering right before i throw up
i hate the feeling of chalk on my hands
i hate the feeling of making a stupid comment of class
i hate the feeling of a fire hot face after that stupid comment
i hate the feeling of heartbreak
i hate the feeling of running my hand across a paper
i hate the feeling of my parents being disappointed in me
i hate the feeling of failure
i hate the feeling of pencil lead on the side of my hand
i hate the feeling of seeing blue and red flashing lights behind me
i hate the feeling of walking in tardy to a class
i hate the feeling of my thighs and stomach and arms and and and
i hate the feeling of fighting with a friend
i hate the feeling of a missed call from dad
i hate the feeling of swearing at my little brother
i hate the feeling of swallowing water down the wrong tube
i hate the feeling of being unprepared for a music lesson
i hate the feeling of bombing a test
i hate the feeling of
i hate the feeling of leaving high school behind
i hate the feeling of not leaving high school behind
i hate the feeling of not being good enough
i hate the feeling of a girl looking me up and down before we can even talk
i hate the feeling of no one laughing at a dumb joke
i hate the feeling of guilt
i hate the feeling of regret
i hate the feeling of pity

i'm upset

sometimes life is wonderful-

blue skies AND sunshine.

and then you realize 

that you are totally 

and completely

alone.

you can have 1,432 followers on instagram,

920 followers on twitter

and be really pretty

(not just the outside kind)

and people will still forget you 

exist.

the person you thought you could count on

in every instant.

every situation.

and every heartbreak.

it's all bull shit.

sorry...

i don't want to offend you

but you've already offended me.

this is how i would imagine a brick would feel
if it collided with my face.




days like these seem to be happening more often...

anxious

98
98 days
that is approximately 2,352 hours
or 141,120 minutes
until every single one of our lives
change forever
Seniors.
S-E-N-I-O-R-S.
The class of 2016.
The class of the greatest high school football team 
in the history of Utah... that came in second place.
The class that lost an incredible friend their junior year. 
Hunter Dahl, may he rest in peace forever. 11-2-2014.
The class with the kindest student council.
The class of Frank Jackson, McDonalds All-American.
Ya, I was friends with him.

Less than 1 semester left.
That's all, that's all we have together.
Never again will we all live in the same area ever again in our life.

Some of us will be the greatest doctors to enter the medical field, 
or Americas next top model, 
or the alcoholic that can't keep the steady job.
I remember thinking that senior year was forever away as a sophomore.  
I remember feeling like it wasn't that big of a deal; 
that the seniors were just dramatic and needed to move on.  
Well, now it's here for me, and I'm beyond terrified. 

I'm afraid that regrets will haunt me.
Unsolved relationships will keep me locked in the past.
I'm afraid of the freshman fifteen.
I'm afraid of losing good friends, and growing apart from what's true.
That slowly, but surely, I will lose sight of what is important.
I'm afraid that my family will like that the house is quieter, 
and that there is an extra seat in the big white expedition 
and at the dining room table.
I'm afraid that my little sister will feel like she didn't even know me.
I'm afraid I won't know her.
I'm afraid I will miss all my siblings growing up 
and that they won't tell me about all their 
fears, first kisses, and heartbreaks.
I'm afraid of cooking.
I'm afraid of all my friends leaving for 2 years.
I'm afraid I will be married within the next 2 years.
I'm afraid to cry at every single mission farewell 
and experience heart break
every. single. week.
I'm afraid that my mom will no longer be my best friend.
I'm afraid my dad will hate the boy I love.
But more than anything
I'm afraid of growing up.

icy hot

His eyes spoke as if they were a new moon on a blizzard night-
cold, lifeless, and terrifying.
I felt the stars sucking the warmth out of my chest

but hearts were never meant to run marathons
At least ours weren't.

last night the merry-go-round stopped running
and the tips of your fingers went cold
leaving my chest more empty...
more empty than the words left unsaid

my heart and mind have begun to hate each other
but it's just because my sister stopped laughing
and started choking.

my knees give out every time i heard your voice.

the flame was never going to ignite.
sparks only last an instant
i think i blinked every time.

sparked

baby we were born with fire and gold in our eyes
i dreamed about those eyes every night for 3 years straight
but it turns out i always loved you for your mind.

so lets write love with sparklers
lets run through mud and let is seep between our toes
lets break our hearts in the most beautiful way possible.
lets laugh until our tears are only made of water
and broken hearts are only a rumor

the moments that take my breath away are second to
the moments you taught me how to breath.
lets stay here lets stay here

your kiss was fire to my soul
i lost my soul in the fire
and i've always fantasized about burning bridges
please don't ever let me go

hats

Has
Anyone
Truly
Stopped

Having
All
Those
Selfish

Heartaches
And
Thoughts?
Specifically

Hundreds
And
Thousands of
Seconds

Hating
All
Those
Stabbing

Hell-like
Aggravations.
Thanks and please
Stop.

We all have a lot of hats don't we?

salt

sweat fills my palms and tears cloud my sight.
the rain drops on my windshield are identical to the 
salt water that soaks my sweatshirt sleeve.
you intoxicate my every thought.
my heart beats uncontrollably 
every.
single.
time.
i hear your name.

we hear the music in our hearts 

and sometimes i forget how to breathe.

i find myself in you and lose it all at once.
they say drugs are bad 
but so are kisses from boys who don't love you.

Why is it so hard to say?
there's more salt in my veins than the entire ocean 
you are exactly the poem i craved to write 

but i refuse to search through trash in hopes of finding a diamond.