the feels

i hate the feeling of my eyes watering right before i throw up
i hate the feeling of chalk on my hands
i hate the feeling of making a stupid comment of class
i hate the feeling of a fire hot face after that stupid comment
i hate the feeling of heartbreak
i hate the feeling of running my hand across a paper
i hate the feeling of my parents being disappointed in me
i hate the feeling of failure
i hate the feeling of pencil lead on the side of my hand
i hate the feeling of seeing blue and red flashing lights behind me
i hate the feeling of walking in tardy to a class
i hate the feeling of my thighs and stomach and arms and and and
i hate the feeling of fighting with a friend
i hate the feeling of a missed call from dad
i hate the feeling of swearing at my little brother
i hate the feeling of swallowing water down the wrong tube
i hate the feeling of being unprepared for a music lesson
i hate the feeling of bombing a test
i hate the feeling of
i hate the feeling of leaving high school behind
i hate the feeling of not leaving high school behind
i hate the feeling of not being good enough
i hate the feeling of a girl looking me up and down before we can even talk
i hate the feeling of no one laughing at a dumb joke
i hate the feeling of guilt
i hate the feeling of regret
i hate the feeling of pity

i'm upset

sometimes life is wonderful-

blue skies AND sunshine.

and then you realize 

that you are totally 

and completely

alone.

you can have 1,432 followers on instagram,

920 followers on twitter

and be really pretty

(not just the outside kind)

and people will still forget you 

exist.

the person you thought you could count on

in every instant.

every situation.

and every heartbreak.

it's all bull shit.

sorry...

i don't want to offend you

but you've already offended me.

this is how i would imagine a brick would feel
if it collided with my face.




days like these seem to be happening more often...

anxious

98
98 days
that is approximately 2,352 hours
or 141,120 minutes
until every single one of our lives
change forever
Seniors.
S-E-N-I-O-R-S.
The class of 2016.
The class of the greatest high school football team 
in the history of Utah... that came in second place.
The class that lost an incredible friend their junior year. 
Hunter Dahl, may he rest in peace forever. 11-2-2014.
The class with the kindest student council.
The class of Frank Jackson, McDonalds All-American.
Ya, I was friends with him.

Less than 1 semester left.
That's all, that's all we have together.
Never again will we all live in the same area ever again in our life.

Some of us will be the greatest doctors to enter the medical field, 
or Americas next top model, 
or the alcoholic that can't keep the steady job.
I remember thinking that senior year was forever away as a sophomore.  
I remember feeling like it wasn't that big of a deal; 
that the seniors were just dramatic and needed to move on.  
Well, now it's here for me, and I'm beyond terrified. 

I'm afraid that regrets will haunt me.
Unsolved relationships will keep me locked in the past.
I'm afraid of the freshman fifteen.
I'm afraid of losing good friends, and growing apart from what's true.
That slowly, but surely, I will lose sight of what is important.
I'm afraid that my family will like that the house is quieter, 
and that there is an extra seat in the big white expedition 
and at the dining room table.
I'm afraid that my little sister will feel like she didn't even know me.
I'm afraid I won't know her.
I'm afraid I will miss all my siblings growing up 
and that they won't tell me about all their 
fears, first kisses, and heartbreaks.
I'm afraid of cooking.
I'm afraid of all my friends leaving for 2 years.
I'm afraid I will be married within the next 2 years.
I'm afraid to cry at every single mission farewell 
and experience heart break
every. single. week.
I'm afraid that my mom will no longer be my best friend.
I'm afraid my dad will hate the boy I love.
But more than anything
I'm afraid of growing up.

icy hot

His eyes spoke as if they were a new moon on a blizzard night-
cold, lifeless, and terrifying.
I felt the stars sucking the warmth out of my chest

but hearts were never meant to run marathons
At least ours weren't.

last night the merry-go-round stopped running
and the tips of your fingers went cold
leaving my chest more empty...
more empty than the words left unsaid

my heart and mind have begun to hate each other
but it's just because my sister stopped laughing
and started choking.

my knees give out every time i heard your voice.

the flame was never going to ignite.
sparks only last an instant
i think i blinked every time.

sparked

baby we were born with fire and gold in our eyes
i dreamed about those eyes every night for 3 years straight
but it turns out i always loved you for your mind.

so lets write love with sparklers
lets run through mud and let is seep between our toes
lets break our hearts in the most beautiful way possible.
lets laugh until our tears are only made of water
and broken hearts are only a rumor

the moments that take my breath away are second to
the moments you taught me how to breath.
lets stay here lets stay here

your kiss was fire to my soul
i lost my soul in the fire
and i've always fantasized about burning bridges
please don't ever let me go

hats

Has
Anyone
Truly
Stopped

Having
All
Those
Selfish

Heartaches
And
Thoughts?
Specifically

Hundreds
And
Thousands of
Seconds

Hating
All
Those
Stabbing

Hell-like
Aggravations.
Thanks and please
Stop.

We all have a lot of hats don't we?

salt

sweat fills my palms and tears cloud my sight.
the rain drops on my windshield are identical to the 
salt water that soaks my sweatshirt sleeve.
you intoxicate my every thought.
my heart beats uncontrollably 
every.
single.
time.
i hear your name.

we hear the music in our hearts 

and sometimes i forget how to breathe.

i find myself in you and lose it all at once.
they say drugs are bad 
but so are kisses from boys who don't love you.

Why is it so hard to say?
there's more salt in my veins than the entire ocean 
you are exactly the poem i craved to write 

but i refuse to search through trash in hopes of finding a diamond.